The Worst Fantasy Film Remakes of All-Time
No. 1. The Wolfman (2010). I forced myself to watch all 103 minutes of agonizing tedium, puntuated by a wandering script, hammy acting (what happened to Anthony Hopkins?), boring characters and more than enough bad CGI. To stay awake I too needed to be dunked in a cold ice bath like poor Lawrence Talbot (a badly miscast Benicio Del Toro). Rick Baker’s makeup (when used) is extraordinary and won an Oscar. The problem is we don’t see enough of Rick Baker’s homage to Jack Pierce. This film had so much potential and we get studio-imposed crap with Anthony Hopkins in a monkey suit. Two wolf-people are better than one. Maybe next time we can have 3 lycanthropes.
At least this wasn’t 2 hours long. You couldn’t pay me to watch the extended cut. Maybe the Romanian language version is worth listening to? I hope Del Toro acts better in makeup as Taneleer Tivan (aka The Collector) in the upcoming Guardians of the Galaxy (2014).
No. 2. Peter Jackson’s King Kong (2005). Two words. Too long. Two more mords. Bad casting. Ok, just two more…. Jack Black. As Carl Denham? More CGI ad nauseum. Where’s the suspense? One hour on a boat is not suspenseful. Even Alfred Hitchcock struggled with this theme. Back in the day, Willis O’B, Cooper and Schoedsack had Kong fighting an Allosaur. Peter Jackson decided to top that with three Theropods. You see three is better than one. The trouble is you can’t see anything because the CGI is a video game blur. The amazing visuals for this film garnered TotalFilm’s No. 9 Worst Movie Special Effect. I don’t necessarily agree with their list, but Kong 2005 sucked the big apple. Can anyone explain to me why these politically correct Skull Islanders look like old sea hags?
No. 3. Solaris (2002). Yes, before Gravity (2013) we had George Clooney in space in this $47 million dollar Steven Soderbergh borefest produced by James Cameron and Jon Landau (the boys who brought you Avatar (2009)). This film has the distinction of being a remake of a remake. I like the 1972 film by Andrei Tarkovsky the best (get the Criterion edition DVD or Blu-ray). Soderbergh noted that if [you] don’t like the first 10 minutes [you] might as well just leave. If only I knew.
No. 4. The Day the Earth Stood Still (2008). All is fine for the opening moments and I even liked Keanu Reeves as Klaatu. Enter ten-year old Jaden Christopher Syre Smith who has the power to single-handedly dismantle and destroy any and all films. He’s a veritable Gort. Oscar winner Jennifer Connelly seems bored with the whole scene —basically playing a part like she did in Ang Lee’s awful Hulk (2003). CGI Gort sucks. Why do we need a CGI Gort?
No. 5 and No. 6. Godzilla (1998) and Godzilla (2014). These films are essentially the same, but I prefer the Roland Emmerich-Dean Devlin version, which at least is played for fun. Both films feature crappy CGI, which I detest. That of course is my own opinion, so don’t cry to me that your niece worked really hard on either of the films. Both remakes feature a redesigned Godzilla (Toho gets the last laugh). Patrick Tatopoulos totally retooled the ’98 Godzilla to look like a big lizard, with locomotion like a Basilisk. I like the splayed feet of his design, but “Zilla” eating Tuna is not menacing. The new Godzilla has ridiculous pachyderm feet and swims peacefully with U.S. Naval vessels. Old Godzilla would’ve shredded those ships like plastic models that they are. Neither of these films are very good monster movies. I like Godzilla mean. Man, I wish Stan Winston’s Godzilla would’ve made it to the big screen.
Other crappy remakes:
- Gus Van Sant’s scene-for-scene remake of Psycho (1998). Vince Vaughn masturbating?
- Rob Zombie’s Halloween (2007). Zombie missed the boat. It doesn’t matter why Michael Myers is evil.
- The Spider-Man reboots. Did we really need these films? Ok, they aren’t remakes. They are also not very good.